so that wasnt chicken after all
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
