Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
