I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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