I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i've created a new STD.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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