After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
