Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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