My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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