Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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