Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
