the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
