you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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