I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
