when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
my shit smells like andre
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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