I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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