just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
