My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
