Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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