Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
