Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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