I wish my penis had an off switch
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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