I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
