First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
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