A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When did angry sex become our thing?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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