I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
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I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
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SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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