My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
