alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So here I am, sexting at work.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
