My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
