I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
