I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
