You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
