when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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