she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
