my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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