that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
