I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
