I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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