You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
