You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
