everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
