Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
