my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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