Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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