Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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