Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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