I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
