I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sarcasm needs its own font
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
