I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
