I can feel you judging me through the phone.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
