She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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