Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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