I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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