I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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